No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay
here; I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother
telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a stand-up comic, he tasted funny.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Those who jump off a bridge in Egypt are in de-nile.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
A will is a a dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine has fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Mr. & Mrs. Claus are North Polish
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I want to die like my father, quietly, in his sleep—not screaming and terrified like his passengers.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are three hundred billion stars in our galaxy, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they really were.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, you should shoot first and call whatever you hit “the target”.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A: Chicken Teriaki
Q: Who was the last surviving Kamikaze pilot? Peter Schickile
A: Dr. Livingston, I Presume
Q: So what is your full name, Dr. Presume? Peter Schickile
A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked ‘How heavy is this glass of water?’
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, ‘The absolute weight doesn’t matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’
He continued, ‘And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.’
‘So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.’ So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.
* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a
leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world but you may also be the world to one
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons…. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are
dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
A friend of mine described his apartment as being decorated like the Garage Mahall
Here is the definition:
Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,”
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. (Emo Phillips)
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
* If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. (Tom Lehrer)
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
* I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy..
* There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.